My good friend of around 5 years died by suicide, you guys would
be asking how can he be a close friend if you knew him for only 5 years but I
feel it’s not how long you know someone that matters, it’s how well you know
someone that matters (but I guess I didn’t know him that well ☹). Now onto the topic, I hope you noticed I didn’t say
“committed suicide.” The guy I knew would never have “committed suicide,” left
behind his mother and younger brother and a life full of promise and
opportunity. It’s taboo to say your brain, another organ in your body
which is susceptible to disease or illness, is sick.
My friend was the “victim” of a suicide. Maybe that explains it
better. He was a victim of a mind that turned against him. He was a victim of a
system that couldn’t help him and that included me.
He was absolutely brilliant, even when I had met him at the
young age of 18 or so. Standing tall and proud, he was an unmistakable
presence. Now it seems to me that His outer shell was witty and tough, but his
inner shell was vulnerable and insecure. I remember him ranting about things
that happen to him, him loosing purpose of life and at the same time he would
joke about life, criticize politics and light the place up with his wits.
As life would have it, we parted ways. I to one part of India
and he too to another. Gradually our communication was limited to occasional
Facebook comments and likes for the last year and calls and texts which were
rare. Had he reached out, even a little, I would have run to his side. I really
would have. he never called, messaged or even texted me though but then I could
have reciprocated the same. I feel I failed as a friend.
I’m mad at myself for becoming complacent. I’m mad I didn’t
realize suicide was an end result, even after knowing he was battling the
demons residing in him. Had he texted, I would have told him one small phrase
“You are not alone!!! “
At any rate, I would have said, “You matter. You matter to me
and I know things suck right now, but they will get better. Let me help you. I
will help you. You don’t need to live this way.”
I can’t stop imagining what would have happened if I had called
him more often If I kept in touch with him often. It could have been different.
This is to let people know that take time of your shit schedule for people you
know. Let them know you care for them and they are not alone and more
importantly keep tabs on them. So, I just want all of you to know. I care, I
care about your wellbeing, I care to know what’s happening and I want you to
know You are not alone, you matter to me.!! Call me, ping me, text me, whenever
you need someone to talk to, whenever you feel alone. Because you matter to me.
I would like to remember you as the tough fun loving guy I once
knew and that is going to be etched in my memory for life. So, I am opening
myself up to anyone who need a pair of ears, anyone who need someone to talk
to. I am doing this so that I don’t loose anyone else due to this or anyone
else loose their loved ones. I owe him this much at the least. I may not be a
professional counsellor or therapist but then this what I can think of now and
this is all I know how to be of any help. So, you are not alone.